I hate you.

There is nothing awesome about being unappreciated.


I'm sick of spending my life trying to be nice to people,
only to be walked on and taken for granted.


I'm done being nice.

Consider me an entire new entity,
Complete with a fist to your mouth,
Or a heeled shoe to the back of your skull.


I'm fucking done.


I went to the mall to return things for money which would go straight into my gas tank and my lungs,
And ended up with a 75dollar Pac Sun gift card instead. Fuck you, Pac Sun.


Maybe I can buy some skinny jeans and a hurley shirt and go hang out with the surfer kids.

.......


end my life.

I'm going to read the next 6 months away.

fuck

Nightmares.


If this is what my world is coming to,
lack of sleep and dreams about being hacked to pieces,

I'd like to press pause now.

and eject.


That was a vhs reference, incase you didn't catch it.

There are times, when I'm squatted in the shower trying to balance with one hand because the other is holding Heather to the side of my face for dear life, that I really enjoy being me.

When I can sit in my basement all alone drinking captain morgan's until I feel like I'm going to burst and feel like I'm not alone at all.

When I have no courage to call that someone, so I keep her on 3way with me so she's there. Moral support.

When I realize that I have 20 something songs sung by her, and I put them on a cd so I can listen to her sing to me in my car.


I wonder what the hell I did to deserve such amazing friends.

Really, Chuck?

I never thought I'd have an ill fated word to say about good old Chuck Palahniuk. I thought hell would freeze over before I'd call his writing "amateur" or, for lack of a better word, Shitty.

Invisible Monsters wowed me. (How I despise the word wow.)
Choke was fucking AMAZING. I read it in a matter of hours without once putting it down.
Diary was, well. Diary was okay. It could have been better, but I didn't want to pour arsenic into my retinas after reading it.

But this. This is horrible. Haunted, how it was a national bestseller I will never understand. It is the most blatantly grotesque, drawn out jumble of words thrown together into 410 pages I've ever read. The man must have been fucking high when he wrote the storyboard.

My heart is hurting right now, Charles let me down. HE LET ME DOWN.

.

fuck this day. fuck living my life. fuck crying all day long and wanting to die.


My sister graced us with her presence today, long enough to tell us that her children have been taken away, rummage through my entire room and all of my belongings looking for something to steal, drink half of my bottle of Captain Morgan without my knowledge and completely ruin any type of "christmasy" atmosphere that we had tried to manufacture.

I instead spent the day screaming, yelling, trying to make sure my shit didn't get stolen (I'm sure something did) and avoiding all human contact. with anyone.

My nephew called me bawling this morning telling me that he had no christmas and santa didn't come, and it just continued downhill from there.

Now, at 5:42pm, I'm going to drive my waste of fucking oxygen drug addict sister, who decided today was an awesome day to tell us she had cervical cancer (LIE) home, 40 fucking minutes, with no exhaust hoping I don't get pulled over and taken to jail for having no insurance, and then drive 40 minutes in the opposite direction to get Danielle's best friend so that I can try to salvage any bit of a good evening for my little sister, who also spent the entire day upstairs in her room bawling, wishing she had a normal family. THEN, come home, take a shower, get dressed, and drive 30 minutes to Matt's house, to try and cheer myself up.


Merry Christmas.

I wish I was dead.

Wow.

Erica had Lily, at 11:40pm tonight.

20 minutes before her own 23rd birthday.

She's 5lbs 7oz and 18inches long. TINY.

Bright blue eyes and a head full of brown hair.

She's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen in my entire life.

I'm finally at home now, after hourrrrrs of waiting at the hospital, and I still can't stop crying. I have never felt so.. I don't even have a word for this feeling. It's magical. When I held her, she looked straight into my eyes and grabbed ahold of my pinky, not even 30 minutes after being born.

I don't know why I hate life so much, when the beginning of it is the most beautiful thing in existence.

My heart is pouring over with emotion right now.

I'm an aunt. Again. To a beautiful little girl.

Lilyana Elizabeth Miller.

There was an angel born today.

That's enough to make me forget my problems for a while.

For good measure

Since I just depressed myself after being awake for a total of 50 minutes,

I must say, that Matthew is asleep right now next to me, and just the sound of his breathing is more comfort than I could imagine.

also.

I know that when he wakes up, and his first action is to reach his hand out towards me and give me that "c'mere" gesture,

I'll feel better.