Awesome.

Why I'm choosing to write this now, while I'm waiting for the iron to heat up and I have literally 50 minutes before I have to be at work, I don't know. I do know that this situation was the last thing on my mind when I fell asleep, and you, YOU, were the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning.
How I got turned into the juvenile one in this situation is beyond me, seeing as everyone who knows me even in some remote sense knows that I am not one to lower myself to the kindergarten standards of others.
How I got turned into the bad guy, I will never understand. Yet I'm not here to sway your conclusions or change your outlook on this entire situation. I'm just here to state whats on my mind.
I will apologize until my lungs are spitting fire for making you feel like you were the center of some tsunami like attack on a small village. I didn't mean to back you into a corner, I didn't. I simply felt very violated, and I thought you could maybe give a bit of insight into a situation in which I was clearly the target, not the aggressor. You are the only one in the world who's be let in on things that no one else has, and knowing that, and knowing that I've entrusted you with secrets I would never tell a soul for the last almost 3 years of my life, I thought maybe you could give me SOMETHING that I was obviously missing. And still am.
I honestly apologize for not believing you, though I'm still not sure that was even the case. My heart believed you wholly. My mind was just raging so hardcore that they failed to register with one another. And I DID believe you. I did. I believed every word you said, I just know that manipulation has an amazing way of fucking with good people, as the world has shown us in the last two years.
I'm writing this because I am NOT a fucking hypocrite, contrary to popular midwestern (mainly Nebraska) belief. I will not be a hypocrite until I lower myself to such a juvenile manner that I am standing face to face with the person that turned my world upside down so many times. (And so many others.) I am not a hypocrite until I do something earth shattering. Something that will make someone else cry like I did last night, Something that will make someone else feel like thier best friend withdrew from thier life when they really needed ehearts and advice, to calm them a bit.
And you know what, I wouldn't do that. It's very easy to say things in the heat of the moment, but when you get to the edge of that cliff, and your about to jump, something in your head screams no, your heart stops beating if just for a moment, and you re-evaluate the entire situation. I have nothing of gain in this imaginary scenerio. I can only lose. And I have. I have lost any last ounce of pity or respect left in my blackened heart, I have lost someone who I still and will forever consider my right hand, the most important ventricle pumping blood into my heart, and I've lost a bit of dignity, for merely saying the first things that come to my mind.

The taste of revenge is tempting, but those of us juvenile enough to actually ever experience what that taste is, are the fools in this situation.


I will not be the girl standing in the corner, watching as lives are destroyed and dying a little inside with every shattered heart, and I refuse to be the girl taking the bottom jenga block out of her life to watch it crumble around her. I am not a monster. I have no gain from watching someone else hurt. I have had many chances, and could easily destroy two years of one of the best screen plays I have ever seen written in someone's head, but I refuse.

Why?


I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE.
Retaliation is for children.
Revenge is for the weak.

If this is you peacing out of my life, I don't really know what to say. I simply don't understand someone else's lies ending the most beautiful friendship I have ever experienced and I cannot grasp my life without you in it. Especially at such a detrimental point in time. You are my left ventrical, and my chest will be an empty cavity without you there filling it up.

I'm sorry for every word I said last night that could have been taken as an attack. I am.

I love you.




This is my, waving my white flag. And if that isn't sufficient, I don't know what else, beyond ceasing to exist in your life, I can do.


I have to go to work now.