Well, This is embarrassing.

in·se·cu·ri·ty

  /ˌɪnsɪˈkyʊərɪti/ Show Spelled[in-si-kyoor-i-tee]

–noun,plural-ties.

1.

lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.

2.

the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position.


There's something about that incessant feeling that creeps up on me once in a while that just makes me sick to my stomach. Where does it come from? Why is it so oblivious to my many attempts to keep it away? I'm not even sure how to react to it anymore. Once in a while it's just there, rearing it's ugly head once again, playing a never ending game of hide and seek with my mind and that throbbing cavity in my chest.

I just want you to be happy,
And I'm scared one day I won't be able to do that for you.

Is it just me, or is it human nature.. the envious feeling that envelopes you even though there isn't an actual REASON for it to have manifested in the first place.

Maybe it's because you make me so incredibly happy, and I can't even fathom losing that. I'm terrified that you aren't going to want to be around forever, when I can't even imagine my life without you.

I guess it's just the risk of it all. I'm so used to being completely closed off, no one has gotten this far into me before, but I couldn't keep you out- I didn't want to.. I want you as in tune with me as I am with myself.

I'm just scared, I don't want to lose you, ever. I love you too much. I love everything about you.

I love the way you look at me. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you're silly with me. I love that you open my car door when we go places. I love hearing you tell me you love me. I love being able to hear in your voice that you're telling the absolute truth. I love that when I'm feeling off, you can make it all better with just a hug. Or that when I'm completely pissed off, all it takes is a simple look from you, or a few words, and I'm all floaty again. I love the way my body tingles when you kiss me, or the fact that I get chills down my spine when we touch. I love that I can envision my entire life, with you.. and that the thought of spending any time without you literally makes me sick to my stomach. I love your laugh, and I love your smile. I love that we always end up ordering the same thing to eat when we go out. I love that you're constantly looking after me. I love that we can just sit and stare into each other's eyes forever.. no words necessary. I love the way you hold me at night when we're falling asleep, and how I can never fall asleep without your arms around me. I love that I've never felt as safe as I do in that moment.


I’ve never known how it feels to have my heart beat, and my pulse race, and my breath pass through my nose and mouth. I’ve never felt any of those things in my life, until you. Before it was something I did automatically, not having to force myself to do any. But I’ve learned that I can’t take these processes for granted. Sometimes I find myself not being able to breathe and making myself breathe in and out and forcing the air into my lungs and back out. I do this anytime you’re not around and also when you’re around.

I’ve lost all basic grip on life that I knew before ever since I’ve met you. I can’t explain this feeling that has come across me, some people say it’s love, but I can’t always believe that. I say this because I know it’s not just love, it’s so much more than that. I love you more than I can describe, you have become a part of me, you have made me whole. You are what makes me catch my breath and keeps me breathing. You’re what has made my heart still beat even faster than it ever has, and yet slower at the same. I’m able to feel every beat it makes now, it beats harder when I’m around you. It feels as though it will leave my body and land in your hand. It knows that it belongs to you, and that you have my heart entirely and eternally. My heart and soul has found a home with you, they merrily go along in your pocket without doubt or fear of being broken. They will be with you always. I am entirely in love with you from my head to my toes.

I know that if anything ever happened to you, I could honestly say, I don’t know what I would do without you. I wouldn’t know how to do these basic functions like breathing, and having my heart beat enough for the blood to pass through my veins. Everyday would be a struggle to get through, I would forget to breathe, or to do everyday things. I wouldn’t be able to get through a single day without having you on my mind every moment, without you being in all my dreams, without remembering how it felt the first day I met you, the first time you held me, the first time you fell asleep next to me.

From everyday that I’ve known you, there isn’t a moment in time that you’re not in, you’re always there, and you will always be apart of me. I’m positive you are my true love and soulmate, no one could ever bring out these things in me the way you have. And I am so blessed to have found you this early and to be able to share all these times with you. Thank you baby, for everything, and doing all that you have, and putting up with it all. I never want to lose you, Brett Paine.. and I'm thankful for every second you are in my life.

Sightly Worn, But Dignified

There's always been something about the idea of waiting for someone that infuriates me.
But I still do it, day after day.
Waiting for the dust to settle on whatever left us cold for each other in the first place.
Months go by and you see each other again and all of a sudden it's like the first time...the nervousness, the clammy hands.
The anticipation of what might happen.
I live for that, I do.
It's the beginning of that journey that I don't look forward to.
The first step out of the door.
The deleting your number, the ignoring your friends.
Trying to keep your name out of my conversations.
Eventually I wake up and don't hurt anymore.
I don't care if you call.
I don't wonder what you're doing.
And then everything comes into perspective. That realization that there's always other guys, there's always someone new to get to know.
I'm not like every other girl around here.
I know that, so I don't need you or anyone else to tell me different.
Every once in a while you meet someone that gets under your skin. That one person you try harder than ever before to get under their skin, get into their world because they're just so damn intriguing.
And when it ends you feel like you failed.
Like you didn't push hard enough, you didn't fight hard enough.
But I'm done with fighting.
I'm done with pushing.
Because in my pathetic attempts to crawl into your world, I was slowly crawling out of mine.
And I don't have any idea who I am anymore.
Where's the victory in these situations? Who wins?
Not me.
I just want to sit you down and scream at you just how much you mean to me. How much I value our friendship.
But that wouldn't matter, you'd probably look at me like I was lying.
Like everything I said was a joke.
Every once in a while you meet someone you'd just like to fold up and put in your pocket.
Someone you wish you could share your entire world with, if they'd just accept it and let you in.
Someone you know you have so much in common with that it makes you sick.
Someone you could feel so comfortable around because your friendship comes from a place of humor and familiarity.
But what do I know.
I'm only parading around looking for whatever's left of my self respect anyway, or so I've been told.
I guess I should quit before I'm ahead.
Before I make a complete idiot out of myself for something that's cold and worthless.
I wish that more people knew what loyalty was.
Maybe girls like me wouldn't get walked all over, taken for rides or left in the dust if they ever really knew.
If respect meant something like trust, and less doubt.
Because we're not all out to ruin lives.
Because I'm not out to waste my time.
And I'm not out to waste yours. Ever.
I want to make the Earth move with you. I want to shake things so hard that it throws our worlds upsidedown.
FUCK. get out of my h e a d.

Slivers of glass falling from the heavens
In the form of words,
Slicing the jugular with every syllable.

The masses are covered with masks, disguising their lies with fictional dignity. Transparent intentions are falsely accepted as hopes. Dreams are shattered by every morning news broadcast. A nation of followers, jumping on the bandwagon to hell. The good guys are non existent. The facade paraded for all to see, delusions made possible, CNN NBC standardized. The government lives to watch the flesh melt from our bones, a hysterectomy without a sedative. Immobility, at it's finest. A stagnant excuse for a life, a rotting FEMA trailer of a mind, infested with more disease than the 3rd ward of SouthSide hospital.

There is no good in the world anymore. There is no good in the world anymore. There is no good in the world anymore.

Make me want to feel alive.

I'm pathetic.

The compass in my chest
Is spinning-
Like we've just entered
The Bermuda Triangle.

My plane is on
Your runway.
Preparing for
a smooth arrival.

All radar,
Points to you.

Don't say a word.
Just let my heart
Coincide with yours.
A melodic rhythm-
Even a paraplegic
Could dance to.

You're
Invading my brain
Like a third world country
From the time I wake up
Until the Tylenol pm
Smothers my mind.

I'm drowning in you.
In over my head.
Your tide has eaten me alive.

Waves crashing into my soul
Like a rogue shark
Looking for his next meal
Among the whores
On Miami Beach.

Be my lifeboat?

In Response.

What if we just hold on
to this moment
You can have your dignity
I'll keep my sarcasm
We'll remember what we have
forever-
I'll turn tricks
on the corner
To pay our rent
You-
You'll sing in the moonlight
People tossing coins in your hat.
We can take off our pants
And travel to India
You,
Can be our tour guide,
Since you've read so much about it.
Bisa love and cranberry slushies
While we walk the Hollywood hills
Looking for Britney Spears' virginity.
Before you have a chance to deny me
Here's your ticket-
take it,
It goes straight to my heart.

Let me be your bodyguard
I'll protect your heart
Like the crown jewel
Or the bottle of crown
In the cupboard-
Next to your fridge.

I'll roll over in the morning
And whisper such sweet nothings
Into your ear
Like
"what's your name again?"

cunt.

My whole world has the familiar taste of death, destruction, and isolation.

Im not sure why it bothers me so much, you casting me off like I have some deasease that will kill you if you love me.


I just want a normal family.


someone give me some type of immunization. Get rid of whatever lives inside of me that my mother hates so bad.

i want it gone.