Sightly Worn, But Dignified

There's always been something about the idea of waiting for someone that infuriates me.
But I still do it, day after day.
Waiting for the dust to settle on whatever left us cold for each other in the first place.
Months go by and you see each other again and all of a sudden it's like the first time...the nervousness, the clammy hands.
The anticipation of what might happen.
I live for that, I do.
It's the beginning of that journey that I don't look forward to.
The first step out of the door.
The deleting your number, the ignoring your friends.
Trying to keep your name out of my conversations.
Eventually I wake up and don't hurt anymore.
I don't care if you call.
I don't wonder what you're doing.
And then everything comes into perspective. That realization that there's always other guys, there's always someone new to get to know.
I'm not like every other girl around here.
I know that, so I don't need you or anyone else to tell me different.
Every once in a while you meet someone that gets under your skin. That one person you try harder than ever before to get under their skin, get into their world because they're just so damn intriguing.
And when it ends you feel like you failed.
Like you didn't push hard enough, you didn't fight hard enough.
But I'm done with fighting.
I'm done with pushing.
Because in my pathetic attempts to crawl into your world, I was slowly crawling out of mine.
And I don't have any idea who I am anymore.
Where's the victory in these situations? Who wins?
Not me.
I just want to sit you down and scream at you just how much you mean to me. How much I value our friendship.
But that wouldn't matter, you'd probably look at me like I was lying.
Like everything I said was a joke.
Every once in a while you meet someone you'd just like to fold up and put in your pocket.
Someone you wish you could share your entire world with, if they'd just accept it and let you in.
Someone you know you have so much in common with that it makes you sick.
Someone you could feel so comfortable around because your friendship comes from a place of humor and familiarity.
But what do I know.
I'm only parading around looking for whatever's left of my self respect anyway, or so I've been told.
I guess I should quit before I'm ahead.
Before I make a complete idiot out of myself for something that's cold and worthless.
I wish that more people knew what loyalty was.
Maybe girls like me wouldn't get walked all over, taken for rides or left in the dust if they ever really knew.
If respect meant something like trust, and less doubt.
Because we're not all out to ruin lives.
Because I'm not out to waste my time.
And I'm not out to waste yours. Ever.
I want to make the Earth move with you. I want to shake things so hard that it throws our worlds upsidedown.
FUCK. get out of my h e a d.